Am I just being selfish to want some of his time? I don’t think so.
Last night was awful. After picking bens sister up from the airport, I just went to bed when we came in. I stayed there until 6am today. I know it came across as weird and antisocial to bens sister.
I’ve decided to seek help for my depression. I’ve been denying it and pretending I will be ok ‘once this rough patch ends’, but there never seems to be an end. I find life stressful, but at the same time, it’s hard to care about anything anymore. I don’t know how to be anymore.
In my head I know what I need to do. Get a job and become self supporting. I can’t rely (and do not wish to) on ben anymore.
He’s been acting so disinterested lately. When I saw him talk to his sister yesterday, I knew he would never talk to me with such passion, humour and expression. With him I get one word answers, short communicative sentences ‘What shall we have for dinner?’, and the occasional ‘I still love you’s’ after I go to bed after an argument and freeze him out.
I really need to talk to him about our relationship. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t really care whether I’m there or not. If I felt we were an equal team, I would have more confidence to socialise. Instead he throws me in at the deep end and leaves me there, keeping me hanging on only at night when he actually shows affection.
As soon as I get a job, if things don’t improve, I am going to dump his ass. He plans kids and marriage with me but the past month we have barely spent any couples time together. It’s make or break. He’s the one who starts the arguements 100% of the time. I’m getting sick of the petty fighting and his proclaimations of ‘we’re a couple!’ whilst simultaneously preferring everyone else in his life to me.
Sat in Bens room where I’ve been since 2pm. His sister is over for the weekend but I started to feel really sad so I had to lie down. Now they’re downstairs laughing smoking spliffs and eating a takeaway and I have been crying for 5 hours. If I could stop crying i’d go down and eat, because i’m starving, but I’m too embarrassed now.